A Big Ol' Update

Hi All,
Well...I finally elbowed out a time for myself to sit here at the bakery and type up another update.  Jonathan and the girls are off to the lighthouse or the beach or somewhere...

Thank you to all who replied with support to my last blog post right before Christmas.  Thank you especially to the friends and family who generously sent us some financial help, including an anonymous chunk that really saved us from drowning in the stress of "not enough".  We have been able to catch our breath and finally look around to see where we are, who we are, and where we want to go.  Here's some of the basics of where we are at...

We are still living at Spirit of the Earth Farm in Moloa'a at a camp we built.  It's a pole framed tarp structure for the roof with pallets and plywood for a platform under our tents.  We've got hot water to a shower and kitchen sink, thanks to Jonathan's master jerry rigging skills.  We recently dragged a bathtub over to our camp so now the kiddos have outdoor bath-time after dinner most nights.  We've got a propane triple burner cast iron stove and a table and chairs for mealtime.  We even have a couple comfy chairs for lounging.  No electricity though.  There's a fridge now, about 100 feet away from our camp that is plugged into the grid over at the barn.  We do about 20 hours of labor on the farm each week as a trade for living there.  We help with the weekly harvest and production for 2 farmer's markets, as well as all sorts of other tasks from cleaning up piles of junk for the dump to painting new signs for market.  The kids love it there.  We live right next to another family with two kids, Rios is 7 and Christiama is 4.  Maya wakes up at 6am and asks to go help Marie (the owner) feed the ducks and chickens.  Maggie has her own fairytale world created under the Norfolk Pine trees, and Scarlet is happy to follow all the kids around.

Here's the few shots I have of our camp...if you're a Facebook friend of mine you will have already seen these.

Jonathan assembling the roof, we weed-wacked and raked away the jungle to clear this spot

An early shot of our kitchen, before Jonathan built a couple counters

Dinner with some friends over, Mindy, Star, Thomas, and Friendly the dog

The view from the composting toilet

Flash flooding during a recent tropical storm

Life without electricity...dinner is served

Scarlet being a really good sport for dress-up time

What a ride this has all been!  Last weekend the whole island was hit by a huge tropical storm, with mudslides, highway wash-outs, and bridge closings.  We took cover at a friend's house to ride it out, since the 50 mile an hour gusts of wind were just too dangerous to risk hanging out at our camp.  It's all in one piece, but pretty darn wet.  Kauai has its way of returning every human possession back into the earth.  Our friend's organic farm lost all of their lettuce in the field and their whole greenhouse was destoyed.  For us, the mildew and mold set in fast when things don't have a chance to dry out.  It's a big lesson in surrendering to the force of mother nature.  And I am not always graceful with that lesson, especially when we've already given up so much.  Today is the first sunny day all week, and now there is word that another big storm system is rolling in tomorrow through this weekend.  Oy! 

Well, enough about the weather. 

The real news is that we are becoming clear that our time living here is coming to a close.  Wow, yes, a big deal I know!  We moved here for several reasons, to reconnect with the planet and with ourselves, to provide this amazing playground of an island for our kids to explore, and perhaps most importantly...to reveal and heal everything that is in the way for us to fulfill our highest purpose.  Now this last piece I know isn't a destination, and I'm not saying we've got it all figured out, but enough of the pieces have been revealed that we are feeling the pull back Home (with a capital H) to the midwest.  I think we both had some selfish wish that we would be able to live here permanently, but deep down we knew that Kauai is a place of pilgrimage for each of us and we will always be directed to bring those seeds back home to be planted and tended.  Our life here has only blossomed when we have owned the fact that our time here is limited and our future lies elsewhere. 

Where, you ask?  Well, we've been talking often with my parents about the possibility of building on the 6-acre piece of land by the oaks on the eastern part of their land.  They have owned the land since I was 5, and I guess I've always dreamed of living there, not knowing that my parents also had a plan to give each of my siblings and I a section of the land in their inheritance.  Well, it's not clear yet if it will be financially possible to turn the deed over to us now so that we can legally build there.  And it's also not clear yet if we will be able to use the land in the ways that we hope...to build an off the grid homestead/farm/nature connection school etc.  Here's a couple links to the type of house we are dreaming up:

A Low Impact Woodland Home
House Alive!--Cob Building

We have a lot of inspiring ideas about what our farm would provide for the community, including a CSA, a permaculture test site and workshop location, nature connection classes for kids and adults, a venue for other teachers, and in general a weaving of cultural healing.  Imagine monthly bonfires, storytelling, a weekly farm day for the kids, an indoor classroom space and commercial kitchen for classes on making your own herbal tinctures, etc....

If you've got ideas for us, please toss them out into the pot.  We are making a big ol' pot of Stone Soup with this endeavor.  We are also looking for ideas for fundraising or potential grants for a project like this.  If this all becomes a go, we plan to move back this spring in a month or two and see about doing some of our old work to get ourselves on our feet again.  We have a lot of phone calls to make to see if there is any work for us, knowing the economy is still in a rough place and we've been gone for more than a year. 

Before I get too far into talk of the future, I want to share a bit more about our journey here and the humbling roller coaster experience we've had.  We've learned a lot about what works and especially what doesn't work for us.  Living our life intimately connected with the rhythms of the earth works for us.  Being dirt poor does not.  Living an inspiring life, deeply guided by a relationship with spirit is essential for us.  We've learned so much helping other folks with their vision, and now we are feeling ready to step into our own.  And let me tell you, we couldn't do it without the experience this year has brought us.  We were living from our wounds, letting them run the show, trying to force ourselves to be something we are not.  It is so liberating to step out of that trap.  I could let myself create the story that this was all a failure, and I did, for a few days.  Then Jonathan reminded me that I was probably creating that story to sabotage a powerful future so I wouldn't feel the threat of bigger failure.  So thankful for his commitment to the light. 

Which brings me to an acknowledgement of perhaps the most important thing that we've done here.  Through the support of friends here on the island helping with childcare, both Jonathan and I were able to participate in and complete an 8-month shamanic apprenticeship with Chandra Porter of Sonco Via.  With her mentoring, we've taken on some of our deepest wounds and learned to stand empowered in the presence of each other for the first time.  We learned to recognize and embrace our shadow and integrate it with our light.  Looking back on our relationship of 8 years, we know that our shadows were locked in a power struggle.  It's amazing we're still together really.  But again, I've got to acknowledge Jonathan for his commitment to the light, and myself for the same.  We really didn't have access to pushing through the muck, until we took this illogical leap of faith moving here.  And finally a space has opened for us to show up humbly and with love.  It was the week of our final class with Chandra that I drove home from her beautiful land, past the Anahola mountains.  I looked up at them in the setting sun and got a message clear as day that "Your work here is done."  My response was "What?!  But I was just getting settled and wanted to relax into living here finally!"  And again, the message, "Your work here is done."

Jonathan and I have plans to get married again, this time weaving our light firmly together, on top of those mountains before we go.  Chandra said she would be honored to do the ceremony. 

There isn't much else for us to do here...make it out to Kalalau and to the place on the trail where we met, complete a few projects on the farm, and say our many many prayers of gratitude to this blessed island.  She provides the perfect mirror for your soul's path.

On that note, I'm going to close with some more photos from the last few months...

My Goofy Family

Beautiful Maggie, she just turned 4!

And Maya...a fairy princess

Maggie, Aunt Jenny and I kayaking on the Hanalei River

A golfing date with uncle Andy

On the Kalalau Trail

Scarlet and her nori

Maya and the double rainbow our first morning at our camp

That's Jonathan and I there at the edge

The proverbial leap of faith

And we did it!  (Oh boy, who's that dork?!)

Yup, that's my amazing husband flying there

Signing off for now!  Love to you all,
Heidi and Family

Must...update...blog...

Oh my, so much to say, and now I've got to type it up with one finger on my little phone. No Internet access for the laptop where we are living now...

After nine months living at the Whitney's farm in frankly a bizarre and hellish vortex of thwarted expectations, we finally extracted ourselves and set up camp down at Anini Beach Park. Yup, that's Hawaiian for homeless. We have a small storage unit for our minimal possessions. We camped there for almost four weeks, taking down every Tuesday morning for park maintenance and setting up again on Wednesday. Oh I am so thankful for gentle Anini, and the opportunity to be autonomous once more with no one judging every move I make. And at the same time, we couldn't stay there for much longer with having to take down and set up every week, all while one of us is working every day and the other is managing 3 kids and a van packed literally to the ceiling.

So...just a few days ago, we moved to Spirit of the Earth Farm in Moloaa. We are camping here and setting up our permanent spot, clearing out some jungle to make room for us. I'll post some pictures when I figure out how to load them from my phone. Anyways, we will be living fairly primitively, with just a spigot for access to well water. Jonathan already made a little composting toilet for us. And he's been working nonstop to clear the jungle and set up our tarp roof. We won't have electricity until we can afford a small set up for solar power. And we've got a propane water heater for our shower.

In many ways, this is the dream. This farm is full on producing food for two farmers markets and a couple grocery stores as well as a local restaurant. And the owner Marie is in desperate need of the skills we have. There are 2 other families living here as well as a couple single folks. It's a sweet little community. We hope to settle in and finally be of use here while somehow managing to keep our other jobs to earn cash. Living here on the farm is a work trade agreement. We will be doing about 15 hours a week to live here. That includes being able to eat some food from the gardens.

And in many ways, I think to myself "this is the dream???" as the propane stove breaks while I'm trying to cook dinner for 3 starving and filthy children. We all literally went to bed hungry last night. I am tested by my fears of sinking to deeper levels of the "worst mom in the world" category.

And then I remind myself that filthy children climbing trees harvesting edible flowers for the lettuce mix playing with the other kids all day jumping in 6 foot piles of cleared guinea grass IS the dream. Just got to let go of how I used to think it should look. My children are wild right now. They are totally in their element. They are not always clean polite and well dressed. We gave up hair brushing several months ago.

Anyways, Christmas snuck up on us this year. I picked up $15 worth of random decorations at the thrift store the other day and yesterday we all decorated the edge of the jungle at our new camp. We are broke and any cash flow we have is being used to set up a little home here. So we plan to pick up a little something for the girls to open Christmas morning. Many thanks to the grandparents for sending some fun for them to open. And we've got some wonderful friends here who have offered to have us over for Christmas Eve.

I hope you all are well and warm this holiday season. I better get up and start some breakfast for the hungry little ones. There's oh so much more to share, but for now...Merry Christmas!

Love,
Heidi

Scarlet is Nine Months Today!

In honor of Scarlet reaching the ripe age of 9 months, yup, that's 9 months in my belly and 9 months out now, I thought I'd get my butt to the computer to download some recent photos.  We did a mini photo shoot today with her wearing a pair of wings I just made yesterday.  Here's a little movie of her crawling...

Sorry about the sideways camera angle.

How about a few more photos...

The squirmy fairies!  Tried to get a good shot of the three together...

The pillow wings.

Anyways...she sure is a cutie.  We enjoy her bubbliness very much.  She's got tan lines in her chub rolls.  And she's got the greatest giggle.  Thank God, really, that she's around to keep us from taking life too seriously.

I've promised myself I'll get to bed by 10, but I'd like to give you all a bit of an update before then, so I'll do my best.  Another title for this update could be "This Isn't A Vacation" or "Coming Up for Air" or "What were we thinking?!" or...  Seriously, it was quite arrogant of us to think we could fly back to this amazing island and have life suddenly start to fall in place just because we showed up.  We forgot about how this place is like the best kind of Grandmother.  You know, the one that loves you deeply but isn't afraid to smack you upside the head when you are being a knucklehead.  So yes, humility, we meet again. 

Here are a few of the things we've learned in the last couple months:  
1. Just because we think it's a good idea, doesn't mean it is. 
2. Being on "Island Time" means being on the island's timing.
3. Checking in with the divine force behind all else is a good idea.
4. Minnesota Nice is a complete waste of time here.
5. Pretending I know anything is a complete waste of time here.
6. Even though I am deathly afraid of the ocean, I've got to get past the turbulent shore break if I want to learn to flow with the currents.
 7. No one is going to fix my life and make it perfect.  This is it.  Stop complaining and start enjoying the beauty.  I'm the only one who can choose a positive thought over a negative one. 
8. My family loves the bejeezus out of me and just wants me to be happy.
9. Supplements are very helpful in keeping the brain chemistry on track for said happiness.
and
10. I am a much happier mommy when I get some consistent time alone.

So, how about some more photos from the last month...

A family hike up the infamous trail where we met.

Scoped out a hidden sunset view.

Sweet Maggie with her project at the library storytime.

Dinner at our little table.  Zinnias from the field.

A Father's Day picnic.

Love that a screaming sister doesn't phase them.

Like I've said before...Jonathan always takes the most becoming pictures of me.

That's all for now.  Gotta get some sleep tonight.  Hope you all are well.
Love,
Heidi and the rest of the gang

Falling Into Place

I had a dream the other night, in the early hours of the morning...I was in Wisconsin, east of my parents' place about 10 miles, in what I thought was Baldwin.  I was striding home along the highways that I know well, running and bounding with the grace of a gazelle (very differently than how I run in reality) and I took a turn down a road that I thought I knew would take me straight home.  I stumbled onto someone's farm and looked around confused.  There were people there harvesting something I didn't recognize, and when I looked closer I realized the whole landscape was something I didn't recognize.  I asked them directions to get home and they said, "Oh, you're not in Wisconsin!  This is Kauai!"  They told me I was way around on the other side of the island, and I realized just how far I had to go to get "home".  Shortly after that, one of the girls woke me up.

So, I'm sure that was just a random dream and has no real meaning or anything, right??  Please if you have thoughts, do share.

We've had a rough couple months, dealing with our own demons and foiled expectations.  After almost throwing in the towel, things are starting to slowly unfold here.  Lots has shifted this last week.  I finally emailed home to some friends with an SOS and was reminded how much I love the people in my life.  I must remember to reach out sooner when life grips me by the throat.  Anyways, in addition to receiving some amazing moral and physical support, we also received news from our friend Ted that they will no longer be buying our house due to a job offer on the west coast and an opportunity not to be missed.  The news had a funny effect on me.  It actually brightened my world again, because I think I had let myself feel trapped here when things weren't working out and we had nothing to go back to.  Suddenly, moving back to our house was an actual possibility again and I was given the gift of choosing to be here.  Jonathan and I sat down for a good talk and we realized how far we had drifted from our original intention to be here, and how circumstances had really sucked the life out of our inspiration.  We recreated why the hell we wanted to do this in the first place...because we are here on this planet to be connected to the world around us, and to provide that space for our children.  We also want to provide that opportunity for everyone, to connect everyone to their own source and inspiration. 

We can do that anywhere on the planet.  And we choose to be here for now.

So, our house is on the market again, in case anyone you know is interested.  And Jonathan had a meeting with Matt Kirk of Kauai Nature School and Kauai Wild (a hiking tour guide business) and they are both very excited to be working together as partners now.  It's such a relief for me to see Jonathan lit up again.

His wife, Kimberly, and I have become friends and are going to a class together down at the Community College called the Sustainable Farm and Garden Training Course.  I'm hoping to be a sponge for everything I can learn about growing in this climate.  So far the class is a lot af what I've already learned in other courses or just from my own experience,  but I'm really enjoying meeting all the folks that are up to some amazing things here and getting to work on their projects.

I've also been making some clothes for the girls recently, which has been a longtime dream of mine, to have the time for that.  Here's a few examples:

It wraps around and snaps in the front.  Super easy to make.

I don't have a good picture of the whole outfit, a twirly skirt and matching reversible shirt.

Maya and Maggie's outfits are made out of the fabric from the dolls I made for them a couple years ago.  Scarlet's purple shirt ties in the back and is reversible, made out of some beautiful batik fabric that Julie let me have from her stash.  The green linen shirt Scarlet is wearing I made from fabric I dyed in a frenzy one of my last nights in Minneapolis and brought here with me. 

I told my friend Kimberly that I've been dreaming of having a stand at the farmer's market to sell all sorts of things, like the kids' clothing, jewelry, Calderesque mobiles made of coral and wire, and fairy houses made by Jonathan.  She said she's always wanted to do the same with her artwork (amazing, by the way) but she never wanted to do it alone.  We decided to do it together and have a goal to be ready for it in 3 weeks.  I've got some sewing to do!

Anyways...in other news, we've also been meeting with a couple who just bought some beautiful land near us and is turning it into a venue for learning.  Not necessarily a school, but more a collection of freelance teachers who use the space for whatever they are passionate about.  They are very excited for Jonathan to bring the nature awareness curriculum.  And they very much would like to have gardening and agricultural opportunities for the kids and are excited to hear that I would love to help with that.  Mmm...it's good to be dreaming and creating again.

It's late here and I better head to bed before the children start waking up.  There's always more to share, but it'll have to wait for another night.  Please leave a comment and let me know how you are doing.  We miss you all!  I'll leave you with a few more pictures from the last few weeks.
Love,
Heidi

The field, finally planted.  It's already grown so much since this picture.

Jonathan fixing the wagon.  Notice the haircut.

My mother's day present was these earrings Jonathan bought from a lady at the end of our road.

Giggling in the swing, pushes from the big sisters.

Our staple, veggie soup.  We blend it up after an hour or so, yum yum!